You know what's weird? What you do and do not remember about your childhood. Saturday afternoon I was struck by the fact that (and bear with me) I'm engaged. Engaged. Do you remember thinking, when you were young, how there was no way that day would ever come? I remember thinking I'd never able to wait that long to get married; I'd never be that old.
I remember being seven and scared of the dark. And wishing for the day that I wouldn't. When I'd be as old as my sister, who wasn't afraid.
I remember being 12 and just hoping for the day when I could go to high school. When nobody would put you in a category and you had classes that would interest you. Where you weren't awkward and gangly and ugly.
I wished all of high school away. I so desperately wanted to be in college. Where I could be free and do what I wanted, study what I wanted. I could live away from my parents and make the friends I wanted to.
College went too fast. Even though I was making the friends I'd waited my whole life for; even though I was finally studying things that made me giddy at the thought of taking them to the real world; even though I loved every minute of the experience, I wished it away. Because the real world was supposed to be even better.
The last few years since college have been a blur, a whirlwind of emotion and challenges and situations that made me more of an adult than college had ever prepared me for. And I wished it away, hoping for the day when the real world would get easier. When I'd have enough money and resources to be comfortable.
I was struck by this Saturday. Struck at the time that's gone by; all that time I've wished away. All the time I've hoped was different.
My sister asked me today if I would be interested in a fall 2010 wedding. Meaning we'd plan it in 3 or 4 months. And I told her I wanted it to last longer.
I want to take my time. I want to say to people "I'm engaged." "This is my fiance, Derick." I want to go to sleep dreaming of all the adventures we're going to have together. The names of the children we're going to have and the grandchildren and the places we'll go. I want to dream of the messes and the fights and the times where we have to work at it. I want to dream of the future.
This is the first thing I've so desperately wanted to make last.
